I have anger issues, which I can’t control. I am considered conventionally attractive (though I don’t see it) and many people think I’m cool and want to be around me.
Like I said, though, I have anger issues where I will act quite aggressively towards people. One time, someone I knew said hi to me, so I screamed “I HEARD YOU”. I also tend to type very dryly and with periods when I’m upset (which is admittedly ~90% of the time but I can’t control that).
My friend doesn’t talk to me as much and I really don’t get why because even when I’m “aggressive”, it’s tough love and I’m trying to help them. If I didn’t love her, I wouldn’t be like that.
I’m even like this with guys I’ve dated and I love them not as brothers.
Women also piss me off more than men do, so I hang out more with them because I feel like they get me and aren’t as bitchy. (Part of the reason why I’m bi curious but never found a woman I’d date, excluding one I almost went out with).
While I do tend to praise men and ignore women, as some people say, it’s tough love since I think women should be the best versions of themselves :) [I believe this is why society is so hard on women as a whole]
But yeah, TLDR; My mood problems impact the people I care about, and I’m wondering if it’s a turn off since some people don’t want to be around me rather than loving me for me.
I have a reason for my actions, people just choose to ignore those reasons and misinterpret me.
Anger is absolutely a huge turn-off for me. As is all that ‘tough-love’ talk. If it’s not very explicitly explained to me, it comes across as just being an asshole. Even if it is explained, there’s a good chance I’ll be annoyed someone else decides they can 'teach me a lesson’if I’m not already intimately familisr with them. People assuming they know you well enough to redefine you is… Pretty rude, generally.
Yes. If you can’t control it then you need to work on the first before hurting others.
My friend doesn’t talk to me as much and I really don’t get why because even when I’m “aggressive”, it’s tough love and I’m trying to help them. If I didn’t love her, I wouldn’t be like that.
Gonna be real here this is straight up abuser language.
Seeking help is definitely the way to go as others have pointed out.
If you don’t care about others feeling hurt, well then just think about it rationally: you probably don’t like getting hurt, so you can understand that they don’t either and trying not to hurt others generally makes the world easier for everyone.
Now I would also say that aside of that, you should apologize to people you hurt. Not specifically expecting them to forgive you, but because it also logically makes more sense as it might make them feel less bad about your behaviour.
I would overall try to think about things more rationally than emotionally because it does look like your emotions are your main source of problem right now, and for example thinking that hurting people is going to make them improve is absurd.
And thinking rationally would let you realize what behaviors are not okay, and let you apologize/warn people about it even if you fail to control yourself. While people would still completely be entitled to distancing themselves from you if your behaviour hurts them, it might at least give them some insight that allows them to get less hurt. And once again, less hurt is generally positive.
Nobody’s going to want to be around you if you’re volatile and hurtful. And “I can’t help it” is a thin excuse. These are things you absolutely could control, you just have to try.
You sound young. Get control of yourself and develop some empathy. And while you’re at it, do something about your internalized misogyny. These two passages ought to create some cognitive dissonance for you:
Women also piss me off more than men do, so I hang out more with them because I feel like they get me and aren’t as bitchy.
I think women should be the best versions of themselves :) [I believe this is why society is so hard on women as a whole]
Yes, if you are unkind to people many will not wish to be around you regardless of your reasons for it.
You’ll need to work to change your behavior if you want to avoid this. Many people have anger issues. It’s hard to control how you feel but you may have success in changing how you act when you feel this way.
Yes, anger problems are a turnoff for pretty much everyone but a handful of people with psychological problems.
You need to address your anger issues, because no one should be asked to ignore being abused regardless of your reasons for it. Until you fix you, it’s unfair to expect others to deal with it.
Get therapy, because most of what you said in your post is very troubling and shows that you have a disconnect from reality
their other posts are starting to disturb me, makes me think they’re developing some psychotic-esque break
This person thrives on attention. It doesn’t matter if it is good or bad attention. They look like they are experiencing narcissistic collapse, and that needs to happen with people far and safely away from them.
Why do people assume I’m narcissistic? I’m just autistic/ADHD and depressed :(
i have all 3 and do not behave this way. i don’t believe any of these cause someone to think the way you do.
You’re clearly not just that.
Do you mind pointing me towards that handful of people?
They’re usually also angry and abusive people too
Yeah. I’m sorry, but I don’t even know you, and I already don’t want to be around you.
You’re right that people should accept you for being you, but they aren’t obligated to put themselves in unpleasant situations.
Finding a way to control your emotions will help ALL of your relationships.
The anger I could work around, but saying “I can’t control it” shows a lack of introspection that would be an instant giant red flag to run away, fast and far. Good luck, friend. We all deserve love.
Even more, it’s the justifying it with the “I’m just trying to help them” and “tough love” bullshit. That’s not a mood problem, or anything like that. That is being abusive (not that they are mutually exclusive).
While I do tend to praise men and ignore women, as some people say, it’s tough love since I think women should be the best versions of themselves :) [I believe this is why society is so hard on women as a whole]
Holy internalized misogyny, Batman!
This is truly wild and the exact opposite of what women actually need.
Who gets to define the best version of themselves? They don’t get input on that? Only you? Only men?
Coupled with your previous post on narcissism where you said this:
I call my friends useless and horrible, and I really have no guilt/remorse or sympathy about that. I feel like I can treat them however I want without much remorse. In fact, I feel like most of the time, I’m right to treat people this way.
It’s not tough love. This is abusive language and behavior.
I understand getting frustrated with people if they’ve failed to make positive changes for themselves for a long time… but unless you’re their partner who lives with them, most of it doesn’t and shouldn’t have a direct impact on your life. Meaning it’s up to them to make choices for how they live and what they feel is comfortable. It’s up to you to be their friend and respect their choices being different than yours. If you can’t do that, you’re not actually their friend. You’re just a rude domineering person who thinks they know best for everyone else (Pro tip: you don’t, actually).
“Tough love” almost never results in people suddenly respecting your opinion. No, if anything it makes them resent your opinion.
Even if it is a partner you live with. Guess what? It’s healthier to just dump them and move on if you’re so disappointed with them than trying to bully them into the person you want them to be. Try spending less time justifying your own actions with your reasoning and try spending more time considering their actions and their reasoning with intent to focus on charitable interpretations.
Look, I’ve had anger problems myself. The worst habit I picked up from my shitty parents was resorting to hurtful and abusive language when I’ve been pushed pushed pushed into anger. Even if the things I am saying have root in valid critiques of the people and the situation the abusive language does not help anything, ever, at all! I know this from experience. What you probably need is some therapy to help you find more healthy ways to express yourself and more healthy ways to help yourself disconnect from these situations as they do not impact you personally most of the time. (I can see a perpetually late friend impacting you, but that’s small potatoes, get over it or stop being their friend: problem solved.) I promise you, therapy helps.
All you’re doing is making people hate you.
From what I’ve read, she seems to think everyone will always be worse than her no matter how hard they try. They’ll never be good enough for her, so she’ll always find someone to be disappointed in and something to be disappointed in everyone for.
This person’s few posts are so insanely stereotypically the kinds of things a perfect, dark triad (narcissist, psycopath, machiavellian/manipulative) person would say, that 30 seconds into typing my other reply I did a ‘wait, is this a troll?’ double take.
I don’t know if I’m any of these, to be honest. I just have low empathy and high standards.
From your other reply, it seems to me that you’re likely a sociopath, which basically means you are by default a narcissist, as you only see the world in how it relates to you, as opposed to how others relate to you, and others to others.
You genuinely seem to have no ability to reflexively empathize with others, neither in a real time interaction, nor afterward.
You are your only emotional frame of reference, which means all of socializing basically is just a game you play to achieve some goal or goals… which is the same thing as saying, you do not comprehend how socializing could be anything other than a game of manipulating people, which other people are just worse at than you.
Apparently with the DSM V, sociopathy and psychopathy have basically been redefined, together, into ASPD.
So… yeah.
Please see a therapist.
Also, this is unrelated, but as a panromantic woman, I don’t understand why she keeps insisting she is pansexual or whatever.
I won’t judge but this reads like she is not interested in women? Perhaps bicurious like this current post says.
I know this will sound cynical…
…but a whole, whole lot of younger, brainrotted tiktok addicts with narcissistic personalities and negative attention spans will describe themselves as pan or bi when they aren’t at all, because they can use it as an idpol thing, an extra reason to legitimate their anger directed at anyone critical of them, a vapid empty signifier that has no real meaning beyond ‘people i think are funny or hot or popular say they are bi/pan/omni, so I am too!’
But I find women pretty…? Sure, I can’t name any female crushes, but that doesn’t make me less bi/pan. Sexuality is a spectrum.
Yes, I LOVE men, and women don’t give me the spark, but I love the idea of finally being able to say “I love my girlfriend!”. Plus, a lot of women are very soft and playful, and as a woman, I think I could date and understand most women.
I just haven’t found the right woman because my type is athletic and extroverted. Shy people are annoying, TBH. And they HAVE to like men. Part of dating women means I have to relate to them, and I can’t relate to a lesbian woman.
Seems like she’s just collecting adjectives at this point.
I do like women. Women are beautiful.
I, in fact, tried dating one at 16, but I was also dating this dude and trying to break up. She didn’t know I was dating him, though (she never even asked) and caught me with him. She was very upset, so I told my homophobic asshole friend to go F herself for telling her I have a boyfriend :(
So yeah, my big-mouthed friend ruined that for me, sadly. I told her to never speak to me again and she couldn’t sit with me for the rest of sophomore year, but since I’m quite sweet, I forgave her. i know she was devoted to me.
It sounds like you ruined it for yourself. Judging from all of your replies and especially this one in particular, you seem to lack the ability to take basic accountability for your own actions. I would suggest reflecting on the cause-and-effect in the anecdotes you’ve shared and try to visualize how they might played out were the roles reversed and other people spoke to/treated you the way that you describe treating them. Even if you have some degree of sociopathy (I’m not a mental health professional by any means), you should still be able to reflect on these situations on an intellectual and objective level and consider that you might be the cause of these conflicts.
Yeah, it’s a turn off. Doesn’t matter if it’s friends, partners, work, whatever, if you’re unstable, you aren’t going to be welcome company.
It doesn’t matter why, it doesn’t even matter if you’re justified. Nobody likes am asshole for long.
See, love is not magic. It isn’t something that gives a person blanket immunity to assholery. To the contrary, if someone loves you, and you claim to love them, you should be giving them your best self, not relying on their love to just gloss over you being an asshole
It’s like the whole concept of family being where you can just be yourself. Yeah, you can. Family is going to forgive a lot because you’re family. But that doesn’t mean you get to be an asshole and they’re obligated to forgive you. It means that you give them the best of yourself, and they forgive your and love you when you fall.
If you’re working on your anger issues, that’s great. Good friends will stick by you. But that doesn’t mean they have to put up with your shit. A good friend won’t put up with your shit, they’ll tell you you’re being an asshole, to stop it, refuse to let you continue, and offer you help to get better. That’s love, not pretending there isn’t a problem.
You absolutely can gain some degree of control over your anger. Even obstacles like severe neurological issues don’t prevent some control being gained.
But nobody, and I mean nobody, not your parents or anyone is obligated to put up with your shit and let you stay in their lives when you won’t put in the minimum effort into improving.
Uh, are you trolling? Anger is a form of aggression, and, no, people don’t like being around people who are aggressive to them. I mean, it might be okay if the two of you were MMA fighters and the aggression only took place in the ring - but people want to be about to relax with their friends. Being around someone who is repeatedly aggressive toward them is not relaxing, so people will leave you.
No, I’m being serious. I don’t get why because I have these two friends who are willing to talk about how much they hate hanging out with people and how useless other people are. Besides, as much as I’ve tried to work on it, I’m still angry, so my friends should love me for that like I love them. I also don’t have much empathy and don’t really understand nuances/what affects people.
they hate hanging out with people and how useless other people are.
God damn, talk about anti social tendencies leaking into a mental health condition
I think being depressed makes me anti social.
Sorry mate, but it sounds like you’re absolutely in the wrong and need to work on your anger issues instead of waving your hand at people for not understanding you.
I have a reason for my actions, people just choose to ignore those reasons and misinterpret me.
People acknowledge your reasons but it’s no excuse for shouting or lashing out. You can try anger management or trying to keep your voice lower when you’re mad, or at least apologizing when getting genuinely mad at someone.
Yeah seeing OP type “I can’t control that” so many times about anger was wild.
I understand you can’t control the initial feeling of anger but you absolutely can control how you respond to it coming.
The lack of understanding that indeed, you may struggle to control it, BUT YOU’RE STILL RESPONSIBLE FOR IT
But they DESERVE ITTTT 😣
As a sports fan, I hate when people are bad at things. Why even try if you suck, honestly?
Loser talk. Do you see the masturbatory way you are reveling in these negative responses? Will you acknowledge you are dwelling in hyper negativity, seemingly for the lulz?
Yes, inability to control your mood, constantly screaming at people, being pissed off and aggressive basically all the time, and being a rude asshole all the time is a major turn off.
I grew up in a family like this, dated a good number of people like this, then eventually figured out: Oh, I have CPTSD and low self esteem from being chronically abused by most of the people in my life, for most of my life, I don’t actually have to put up with their bullshit.
You sound extremely reminiscent of my abusive female ex-partners, full of rage, suspicious of and less friendly toward women (likely because you view them all as competition and/or incompetent), and most importantly, you’re a completely unnacountable and irresponsible narcissist hypocrite.
You do understand why people don’t react well to you being aggressive and pissy all the time.
My friend doesn’t talk to me as much and I really don’t get why because even when I’m “aggressive”, it’s tough love and I’m trying to help them.
This reveals that you do understand that your friend doesn’t like it when you are aggressive.
But you rationalize away your aggressiveness as the cause of your friend avoiding you with the intention underlying your action.
Your intention doesn’t matter.
What you actually do, how you actually do it is what matters.
If I perform a surgery with the intention of saving someone’s life, but I fuck up when I use a chainsaw instead of a scalpel to make the initial incision, my patient is now dead, and I am responsible, regardless of my intention.
…
No one has any obligation to deal with your anger issues other than you.
No one owes you their friendship or affection, de facto, just because you believe they do.
You should seek intensive therapy, probably look for a CBT specialist, at the very least, learn how to self reflect and apologize for doing things that make others flee from you…
…otherwise you’ll soon find that your anger issues do indeed affect you, by making you unable to have any healthy relationships with anyone, leaving all the people you care about no longer caring about you.
EDIT:
I have a reason for my actions, people just choose to ignore those reasons and misinterpret me.
People are not misintrepeting you, and you know it.
I also tend to type very dryly and with periods when I’m upset (which is admittedly ~90% of the time but I can’t control that).
You state that you are upset, ie, prone to a rude or aggressive interaction 90% of the time.
People are not misinterpreting your behavior.
Your behavior is abusive 90% of the time, and you just think that’s everyone else’s problem, not yours.
… Would you want to be friends with someone who is pissed off and abusive 90% of the time?
Honest, serious question:
Are you capable of actually imagining interactions with yourself from the other person’s point of view?
Can you do that, mentally transport yourself into someone else’s shoes, without immediately adding in all the rationalizations that you didn’t actually communicate, that only exist in your head?
To be honest, not really, that’s why I ask these sorts of things and don’t know how to fix it. I can’t understand tone or nuance, I don’t feel guilty about things (my sense of right or wrong is only determined by competence and what benefits me, and also what people tell me is wrong.)
I can imagine it slightly, but I have trouble caring that it hurts them. (I know it’s wrong but I don’t feel bad)
I got kicked off a team, but I knew my behavior had a bad impact because someone told me it did. I only knew bullying was wrong when it happened to me. If it gets me more friends, it’s not wrong. If it makes people hate me, it is wrong, but it’s also on them because I don’t deserve this type of treatment.
Absolutely. After living 10 years with a person like you, leaving her was the best of my life and I should have done that sooner.
I have to add more, to be honest with you.
The reasons why she was bad for me where deeper than just the rage issue alone. That was probably the lesser issue, so don’t be afraid.
But I strongly suggest that you start a serious and sincere path with a good phycologist as that has the potential to help you control and understand the issue.
Yourself, and the people who care about you, will thank you for that.
Don’t over think and go for it.
