cross-posted from: https://lemmy.ml/post/33157624
As a normal person with ADHD but otherwise neurotypical, I have a hard time communicating and functioning with my partner.
How do I better deal with the communication issues and honestly she entirely lacks a way to talk, express feelings, be deeper than basic interactions.
My new girlfriend is on the spectrum not high up and at first glance functions fairly normal to onlookers.
But privately and when being close or open its like she says she has a social battery but its always drained according to her, she doesn’t sleep good. Has depression and horrible anxiety. She feels scared to make moves intimately but wants to, whether it’s kissing, sexual, or in general even hand holding.
But she deals with major issues of over stimulation like talking or touching when emotions get higher or more complex she defaults to blocking people out and going into herself.
Overwhelming emotions all the time that she cannot explain or process no matter how much she tries writing to me, to be alone and think about them so we can properly discuss, the only answer she comes to is IDK. It’s like she can’t explain emotions and feelings almost at all. Which makes any understanding or functioning insanely difficult borderline impossible due to the one way nature my input and none of her output. She struggles to explain basic thoughts and doesn’t like trying or will attempt to try and get frustrated and upset or scared to try entirely. Which further increases the overwhelming feelings and discomfort. It leaves a void for us. She wants nothing but to do better and grow together but feels trapped in her autism cycle. I know it cannot be changed but I can certainly improve on how to process the situation and do better on my part.
How/what can we introduce methods to better communicate? (we tried writing letters and texting but she can’t explain things and gets confused/frustrated/upset so that is out)
What systems can we introduce and methods we can try improve these feelings?
What are some of your best advices and methods for a normal person to be educated and productive when dealing with an autistic person? So I can be a better partner too.
I am struggling to understand, communicate, and find ways to function cohesively together because for me it’s like… why can’t you try to explain things so we can improve but it always lands into a negative set of emotions. Where she feels sad, cries, gets mad, blames me, depression, anxiety, she’s constantly never ending overwhelmed.
I greatly appreciate the help. I will have open discussions with each of you as needed. Thanks for taking the time to help a normie out!
Edit: Perhaps that was way over stated. All our interactions are not negative but for the sake of the post I was focusing on those aspects to find tools to improve myself and her ability to communicate more effectively.
In no way shape or form are our interactions as basic as that sounded. We function almost entirely normal. Do normal activities, go places, hangout, work and hobbies. When I meant basic interaction I don’t mean she sits on bench and cannot function. I just meant anything outside of typical day to day like intricate displays of emotion or communication about our relationship issues is where the wall hits. Its not trust. Or as dead sounding as that seemed. Its that she lacks ways to articulate her emotions and what to say. Has issues processing.
I was looking at for tools like the emotion wheel. Similar methods. Not a psychological breakdown of her and I.
I’m just curious how she’s your “girlfriend” if you’re only able to have “basic interactions”. Being brutally honest it sounds like she needs a lot of professional help before she can have a truly meaningful relationship. Especially since your communication always turns into negative emotions, crying, anger, depression, and her being constantly overwhelmed. That’s not healthy, like at all. As a nonprofessional internet rando I think it would be more responsible of you to back off on the “my new girlfriend” thing and be more of a concerned friend.
Perhaps that was way over stated. All our interactions are not negative but for the sake of the post I was focusing on those aspects to find tools to improve myself and her to communicate more effectively.
In no way shape or form are our interactions as basic as that sounded. We function almost entirely normal. Do normal activities, go places, hangout, work and hobbies. When I meant basic interaction I don’t mean she sits on bench and cannot function. I just meant anything outside of typical day to day like intricate displays of emotion or communication about our relationship issues is where the wall hits. Its not trust. Or as dead sounding as that seemed. Its that she lacks ways to articulate her emotions and what to say.
Fair enough, good luck with that.
59 yo man with ASD with a 20 yo daughter with ASD.
We don’t perceive or express emotions the way normies do. We don’t understand subtle social clues or hints. It’s easier for us if you just tell us what you are thinking. My wife is moody and passive aggressive which I just don’t understand. If you’re happy, tell her. If you’re mad, tell her. If you’re upset with her, deal with it.
If she is peopled out give her space.
If she’s with you it’s because she wants to be. She has learned to mask which can make her seem cold or indifferent. She’s just trying to act in a way that won’t cause a negative reaction that she has witnessed in the past.
I do that. When I’m dealing with someone new who I find attractive I am extremely flat bordering on cold. I have misinterpreted what I thought were hints or suggestions in the past so I assume that everything that might be a hint or a suggestion is not and play everything neutral casual. I’ve been told by women that I’m emotionally stupid as a result.
Make her feel safe telling you what she wants. If she tells you she wants something do it if you can. If you can’t, don’t get emotion, just explain that you can’t but ask her to ask about the next thing. Make her feel safe asking you for things.
If you can learn to communicate with her Aspies are a lot of fun. I have a standard speech that I give to everyone I meet that I might be interested in being more than casual acquaintances with that explains how I act and how to communicate with me. I had someone once ask, “So I can ask you anything and you will say, ‘yes’ or, ‘no’ and if you say, ‘no’ it won’t change anything?” Yes. “Like what can I ask?” Do you want to have coffee? Can I join your Minecraft realm? Can I sit on your face? “Can I sit in your face?” Yes. “That’s cool.”
We find dealing with normies who never just come out and say what they want and who hint and suggest and brood exhausting. When you get two of us together shit happens.
I hope this helps.
EDIT: I should proofread. Fucking racoons.
We are very open, talk directly. She does not explain things well, has no real methods to communicate. We tries writing letters, we have tries texting, but she ends up getting frustrated And upset because she doesn’t know HOW to explain her feelings. She defaults to IDK. She will say that she wants to understand, wants to talk but does not understand her own feelings and thoughts to even know how or what to talk about. So we always just wind up in a stalemate and move on. We basically seem to agree we feel the same emotions but the communication between us is hard due to her inability to express it.
Edit: So I was asking for tools to use. Methods to try. Anything at all to attempt to gain insight into her. How can we grow and talk if she is incapable of explaining anything even basic emotions and feelings.
(Autistic person here, working on expressing my emotions too) You could try a feelings wheel. There are a few different designs that work on different principles, but the general idea is that they show the relationships between different emotions. I attached a few here so you can see which one works for her best.
This is a good idea. This is exactly the type of tool I was looking for. Any other good suggestions? Methods I can improve on. Thanks! I will try these and see which she likes.
For my credentials: I’m not diagnosed myself. Growing up I always felt like a watered-down version of my older sister: a genius who suffered mental breakdowns. She helped to raise me and was eventually diagnosed with autism in been mid-30’s. I’ve always been high-functioning and never had a reason to seek a diagnosis or treatment, but I’ve had a lot of non-professional opinions that I’m probably on the spectrum too. It’s also possible that I’m neurotypical and was just heavily influenced by her growing up.
Also I feel obligated so say that the technically correct answer is to seek professional help, but I’m assuming that either that’s not an option or hasn’t worked if you’re posting here.
For the intimacy part, it might help to plan and talk about it in advance. Discuss in the morning what the plans for the day are and bring that up as an option. Or perhaps a recurring weekly schedule.
I have also found with adhd partners that they seem to be able to turn things on FAST. Like, one minute there’s no sign of anything sexual. We might be watching some nostalgic stuff from our childhood like pokemon, or some gross out horror movie, or a video essay on marine biology, or it’s late at night and I’m about to pass out to get up early the next day. Then all of a sudden “hey you wanna fuck” out of nowhere really catches me by surprise, and I struggle to switch gears that fast. Whereas if we planned in advance I might suggest we watch something a bit sexier to prepare: an action movie or HBO drama perhaps.
I don’t know you so this isn’t a personal attack: it’s possible that you might be displaying a lot of emotion that is intimidating to her. Facial expressions, voice tones, word choice, gestures, tears. She could be afraid of upsetting you, or just afraid of being in such an… Energetic conversation.
It’s worth noting that the trope of autistic people missing social cues is an oversimplification, and I suspect that only applies to people deep in the spectrum that do not function well. For myself it’s the opposite: I spent my childhood careful observing and noting social rules to try to follow them as best as I could, but the frustrating part is that no one else does. Everyone thinks they do, but people are just different from each other and most individuals are themselves inconsistent. So it might help you to keep an eye on your own mannerisms and behaviors too.
I understand my last 2 paragraphs were suggesting you change yourself. It’s totally valid for you to not want to, I’m just laying out options.
In my mind, emotions are the end result. They are a reflection of the past. Decisions, including communications, should be made rationally with the goal of producing good emotions in the future. In my experience, most people make decisions irrationally based on the emotions they are feeling in the present. Negative emotions can lead to bad decisions, which creates a downward cycle. Positive emotions can also cloud rational thought. To avoid the cycle, you need to make calm and rational decisions. When something goes wrong I set the emotions aside to become cold and calculating and make the best decisions I can. An important part (and one it sounds like she needs to work on) is to go back later and reflect on that emotion. Feel it fully, understand where it comes from, and understand if there needs to be any communication about it.
I’m very fast paces mentally And physically. I’m ADHD through and through so going slow and feeling tired is not in my mindset. She takes forever, can’t talk deeply, has trouble mentally in all aspects. I’m more like a racecar and she’s like a turtle. Nothing is wrong with that. We have good chemistry. But it’s not easy past the chemistry stage. Because our childhoods, adult mentality are so different.
Edit: We are very open, direct. We plan sexual activities, we plan almost all activities. But anything past basic conversations gets lost in translation for her. I’m very supportive, we both are for each other. The dynamic is good. Just the communication sucks no matter how much we try. Consistency is her flaw, depth. I am the doer. I do, plan, almost everything. She’s more idle, watch, hands off plans and couldn’t make a decision on where to eat if she tried. Shed starve to death. Highly indecisive.
Something that helps me when I am overwhelmed with emotion is to isolate myself, write my feelings down, and then come to my partner and discuss them when I am feelings are more stable. I just write small notes so I can remember but explain them more fully verbally. When it comes to intimate touch my partner will make sure I am comfortable enough to engage or just let me make the first move.
I honestly recommend reading about autism and how autistic people think so that when she tries to explain things they are easier for you to understand. I wish I had resources to recommend on the spot but I can’t remembee them by heart
Edit: speaking very directly is also fantastic. Tell her exactly and directly what you are feeling and what is making you feel that way. It is as simple as “I am feeling ________ because of ______ and that is making act like _______”
We do all this. We are direct. She has trouble finding the words, or has no clue what to say. I was trying to find tools, resources, and ideas how to empower her to communicate. She wants to talk. Wants to tell me things. But when it’s time to talk or tell me she has no ability to. Not physically she can talk fine. Emotionally and mentally. It’s like a barrier between her brain and communication normal. With words. Like we all do.
Maybe stop trying to use words. Use colors or textures, make a little posterboard and work through what looks or feels right in her head. Meaning, if dark blue means she’s scared, or if green means she’s frustrated that’s okay. Don’t just go with red= angry if that didn’t feels right for her. Let her use as many colors or textures as she needs to get her point across.
It’s also really important to include what she wants from you on this board. Like, just shut up for an hour, or hold her, or go to the store and get her favorite soda. This is just to help her build trust that she can have some control in an uncomfortable situation. Right now she might not really have that, and may be why she’s landed on avoidance
Use it while physically together, but also take a picture so a screenshot can be shared with little edits over what she’s associated with her feelings.
When I’m overstimulated by emotions I have an internal meltdown that can graduate to external if I’m being pushed. I absolutely can’t think of words in that state, and often I’m afraid to even express myself in those moments.
