cross-posted from: https://lemmy.ml/post/33157624
As a normal person with ADHD but otherwise neurotypical, I have a hard time communicating and functioning with my partner.
How do I better deal with the communication issues and honestly she entirely lacks a way to talk, express feelings, be deeper than basic interactions.
My new girlfriend is on the spectrum not high up and at first glance functions fairly normal to onlookers.
But privately and when being close or open its like she says she has a social battery but its always drained according to her, she doesn’t sleep good. Has depression and horrible anxiety. She feels scared to make moves intimately but wants to, whether it’s kissing, sexual, or in general even hand holding.
But she deals with major issues of over stimulation like talking or touching when emotions get higher or more complex she defaults to blocking people out and going into herself.
Overwhelming emotions all the time that she cannot explain or process no matter how much she tries writing to me, to be alone and think about them so we can properly discuss, the only answer she comes to is IDK. It’s like she can’t explain emotions and feelings almost at all. Which makes any understanding or functioning insanely difficult borderline impossible due to the one way nature my input and none of her output. She struggles to explain basic thoughts and doesn’t like trying or will attempt to try and get frustrated and upset or scared to try entirely. Which further increases the overwhelming feelings and discomfort. It leaves a void for us. She wants nothing but to do better and grow together but feels trapped in her autism cycle. I know it cannot be changed but I can certainly improve on how to process the situation and do better on my part.
How/what can we introduce methods to better communicate? (we tried writing letters and texting but she can’t explain things and gets confused/frustrated/upset so that is out)
What systems can we introduce and methods we can try improve these feelings?
What are some of your best advices and methods for a normal person to be educated and productive when dealing with an autistic person? So I can be a better partner too.
I am struggling to understand, communicate, and find ways to function cohesively together because for me it’s like… why can’t you try to explain things so we can improve but it always lands into a negative set of emotions. Where she feels sad, cries, gets mad, blames me, depression, anxiety, she’s constantly never ending overwhelmed.
I greatly appreciate the help. I will have open discussions with each of you as needed. Thanks for taking the time to help a normie out!
Edit: Perhaps that was way over stated. All our interactions are not negative but for the sake of the post I was focusing on those aspects to find tools to improve myself and her ability to communicate more effectively.
In no way shape or form are our interactions as basic as that sounded. We function almost entirely normal. Do normal activities, go places, hangout, work and hobbies. When I meant basic interaction I don’t mean she sits on bench and cannot function. I just meant anything outside of typical day to day like intricate displays of emotion or communication about our relationship issues is where the wall hits. Its not trust. Or as dead sounding as that seemed. Its that she lacks ways to articulate her emotions and what to say. Has issues processing.
I was looking at for tools like the emotion wheel. Similar methods. Not a psychological breakdown of her and I.
For my credentials: I’m not diagnosed myself. Growing up I always felt like a watered-down version of my older sister: a genius who suffered mental breakdowns. She helped to raise me and was eventually diagnosed with autism in been mid-30’s. I’ve always been high-functioning and never had a reason to seek a diagnosis or treatment, but I’ve had a lot of non-professional opinions that I’m probably on the spectrum too. It’s also possible that I’m neurotypical and was just heavily influenced by her growing up.
Also I feel obligated so say that the technically correct answer is to seek professional help, but I’m assuming that either that’s not an option or hasn’t worked if you’re posting here.
For the intimacy part, it might help to plan and talk about it in advance. Discuss in the morning what the plans for the day are and bring that up as an option. Or perhaps a recurring weekly schedule.
I have also found with adhd partners that they seem to be able to turn things on FAST. Like, one minute there’s no sign of anything sexual. We might be watching some nostalgic stuff from our childhood like pokemon, or some gross out horror movie, or a video essay on marine biology, or it’s late at night and I’m about to pass out to get up early the next day. Then all of a sudden “hey you wanna fuck” out of nowhere really catches me by surprise, and I struggle to switch gears that fast. Whereas if we planned in advance I might suggest we watch something a bit sexier to prepare: an action movie or HBO drama perhaps.
I don’t know you so this isn’t a personal attack: it’s possible that you might be displaying a lot of emotion that is intimidating to her. Facial expressions, voice tones, word choice, gestures, tears. She could be afraid of upsetting you, or just afraid of being in such an… Energetic conversation.
It’s worth noting that the trope of autistic people missing social cues is an oversimplification, and I suspect that only applies to people deep in the spectrum that do not function well. For myself it’s the opposite: I spent my childhood careful observing and noting social rules to try to follow them as best as I could, but the frustrating part is that no one else does. Everyone thinks they do, but people are just different from each other and most individuals are themselves inconsistent. So it might help you to keep an eye on your own mannerisms and behaviors too.
I understand my last 2 paragraphs were suggesting you change yourself. It’s totally valid for you to not want to, I’m just laying out options.
In my mind, emotions are the end result. They are a reflection of the past. Decisions, including communications, should be made rationally with the goal of producing good emotions in the future. In my experience, most people make decisions irrationally based on the emotions they are feeling in the present. Negative emotions can lead to bad decisions, which creates a downward cycle. Positive emotions can also cloud rational thought. To avoid the cycle, you need to make calm and rational decisions. When something goes wrong I set the emotions aside to become cold and calculating and make the best decisions I can. An important part (and one it sounds like she needs to work on) is to go back later and reflect on that emotion. Feel it fully, understand where it comes from, and understand if there needs to be any communication about it.
I’m very fast paces mentally And physically. I’m ADHD through and through so going slow and feeling tired is not in my mindset. She takes forever, can’t talk deeply, has trouble mentally in all aspects. I’m more like a racecar and she’s like a turtle. Nothing is wrong with that. We have good chemistry. But it’s not easy past the chemistry stage. Because our childhoods, adult mentality are so different.
Edit: We are very open, direct. We plan sexual activities, we plan almost all activities. But anything past basic conversations gets lost in translation for her. I’m very supportive, we both are for each other. The dynamic is good. Just the communication sucks no matter how much we try. Consistency is her flaw, depth. I am the doer. I do, plan, almost everything. She’s more idle, watch, hands off plans and couldn’t make a decision on where to eat if she tried. Shed starve to death. Highly indecisive.