I don’t fit very well with the idea of masculinity. I’m just a goofy nerd with a gentle personality and the desire to make others happy. I have always wanted to look soft and approachable; I have smooth, rounded facial features, wavy hair, big glasses, and a clean-shaven face. My personality is utterly non-threatening. I love caring for people, I enjoy being silly and whimsical, I’m a bit clumsy and get flustered easily, I wouldn’t hurt a fly (unless I had to), and I’m polite to a fault. My paradise is a warm, cozy, quiet safe haven surrounded by cute plushies.
I’m not manly in the slightest, and I love being that way. I’m a total softie through and through, and I purposely align my appearance with my personality. I look gentle because I am gentle.
I have always been treated differently than my male peers. Many people are inexplicably nicer or softer on me even if they barely know me. Female friends have fawned over me, calling me things like “cute,” “adorable,” and “sweetheart,” and expressing a desire to protect me. And I love it. I don’t find it offensive or infantilizing at all.
Through extensive introspection, I later figured out that care and nurturing are incredibly attractive to me, and the funny tickle I felt whenever I was shown care and protection by my female friends was actually a subtle tinge of attraction. It’s rather curious that my personality and gender expression just happened to develop in such a way to subconsciously solicit that kind of attention.
This is all well and good, but I worry that this makes me categorically unsexy due to my intentional suppression of gendered characteristics and desire to give off pure, wholesome vibes. Could I really be sexually desirable if I’m the kind of person who apologizes to trees for bumping into them? Some women have even teasingly called me a “Christian” or “virgin” because of this perceived innocence, suggesting that some people do indeed associate my personality with sexual restraint or abstinence.
In reality, I absolutely do want a sexual relationship, and I have always imagined myself treating a partner with the same gentle caregiving energy that I myself crave. I don’t do “naughty” or “dominant”; I would view a partner’s body as something to passionately take care of, not something to tease or conquer.
I would appreciate some outside perspective on this. Thanks!
Here’s the top 3 things that the Lemmy community loves the most:
- Linux
- The though of elon musk getting hit with a blue shell in Mario kart
- Femboys
So you’re good
(jokes aside any aestethic choice will be attractive to some people and a turn off for others, so you might as well be whatever makes you feel good)
bro that is manly as fuck. keep doing you because it’s hella manly to be gentle and caring and nurturing.
you need to stop worrying about all that “not alpha/sigma male = not attractive” self-doubt. you also need to stop worrying about your attractiveness. you’re already attractive to some people. just find people you really enjoy hanging out with one on one, and eventually you’ll land a partner.
This. Exactly this.
Trying to be what others consider desirable or normal is really just a kind of lack of strength in your own personality. True strength is when you can be yourself, don’t pretend and simply live the way you want to be. Your friends will be true friends because they will know you without pretense. Anyone who doesn’t find you attractive in this way is the wrong partner.
Leaning into this will probably garner attention from the right sort of women for you. The ones attracted to “traditional masculinity” (which is kind of a trap in some respects anyway) probably wouldn’t be attracted to you sexually in the first place, based on what you describe here. So you don’t really lose anything by what you plan to do. Go for it!
And if anyone gives you guff about it, tell them to fuck off (or whatever response appropriate to your vibe, but carrying a similar message, works best).
You are attractive, probably very attractive. Your post makes it clear to me. You receive attention of multiple women, and some of them are even making advances on you. Manly men are in crisis, in my opinion. Feminism all around is putting the concept of the manly man in question, and you, my friend, are the next step, like the X-men mutant to the human being.
In any case, what’s a man, anyway? They will tell you all kinds of zombie answers. As someone raised by women and two absent masculine figures, I just don’t get it. Learned to set limits with bullies the bad way, always taking advantage of the situation cowardly, but effectively, and I don’t regret kicking them while they were on the floor. What I mean is, if it works for you being all cute, be cute by all means, but if you want to have sex, be all the cute you want saying that seriously; otherwise, people, women, will take you for a prude, maybe even gay, and I don’t know why, but that’s been my experience.
Be yourself. Don’t let other men show off by demeaning you, don’t let women think you’re some kind of a monk, especially the ones you are attracted to. Those are the limits.
EDIT: just to clarify, there’s nothing wrong with being gay, but it hardly works to project that idea if you want to get intimate with the opposite sex.
Yes you can! I’m quite the same way and you may enjoy checking out [email protected] :3
Aww you’re always posting cute stuff like this on Lemmy. Keep up the cuteness haha!
Aww thank you! I’ll try <3
Just wanted to say that our modern ideas of masculinity are far from universal and largely ahistorical. It’s okay to be exactly who you are.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Great_Male_Renunciation
Coined by British psychologist John Flügel in 1930, it is considered a major turning point in the history of clothing in which the men relinquished their claim to adornment and beauty. Flügel asserted that men “abandoned their claim to be considered beautiful” and “henceforth aimed at being only useful”.
Not being traditionally masculine does not make you less of a man.
The man who moved me most in life was a sensitive, artistic, nervous, sweetheart of a man, whom I doted on, had him sit on my lap while he cried, cuddled and kissed him until he felt better, called him sugary names (lamb, darling, sweetheart), pet him often, and just absolutely loved on him.
Men often get upset if you refer to them as “cute”, and I was unable to feel any of them put me on equal footing before him. The fact that he was emotionally open and outright with his feelings was what had attracted me to him in the first place. I am absolutely not a “dominant” person, but my desire to protect and love him in this was something no other man even allowed me the opportunity to do.
I recall saying that something was “cute” while we were out, and he quietly asked “am I cute?”. The answer was, of course, “Yes, darling! Of course you are!” If he wanted me to, I would have moved all the stars in the sky for that man.
Men (often secretly) desire to be desired, and it is weirdly seen as a more feminine urge. However, men who identify as masc can still desire the sensitivity of desire. Nothing feminine about it.
There are women out there who will desire what you have to offer. It may be a search to find them, but they are out there.
The man who moved me most in life was a sensitive, artistic, nervous, sweetheart of a man, whom I doted on, had him sit on my lap while he cried, cuddled and kissed him until he felt better, called him sugary names (lamb, darling, sweetheart), pet him often, and just absolutely loved on him.
The fact that he was emotionally open and outright with his feelings was what had attracted me to him in the first place. I am absolutely not a “dominant” person, but my desire to protect and love him in this was something no other man even allowed me the opportunity to do.
I feel dizzy because you literally described the moments I desire to a T. The doting, the sugary nicknames, having a non-domineering woman in an empowered position of loving protection… I have never read anything that so precisely and succinctly captures the exact ideas that I worried were just my own.
Your comment is exactly what I have been looking for—solid evidence that what I desire deep down exists in the real world and can be created again. If I am to trust the anecdotal evidence in this thread, then that finally settles it for me. Relationships just like the one I desire are out there. Women who are compatible with me are out there. I just need to get out and find one.
Thank you. This is one of the most reassuring things I have ever read.
I was really worried I was rambling!! Glad to know that you will be searching with renewed vigor. Enthusiastically wishing you all the best! (:
No one is “normal” it doesn’t exist. It’s one big social hallucination. Look inside yourself and trust who you are. That is the most attractive thing I can think of. You are good.
Did you see some of the guys at the Oscars this year?
Colman Domingo SLAYED it.
https://www.instyle.com/best-dressed-men-oscars-2025-11689188
We can have sash belts now? Nobody told me!
Dude looks like he’s straight out of Star Trek tos. I’m absolutely here for it.
Love that look.
Dress uniform FTW!
What’s your age range? I think it’s possible more younger women would want the stereotypical masculine man, but I think over 30 and maybe earlier, women tired by the superficial masculinity would be attracted by your kind of personality. Personally I like a balance of both.
There are definitely women who like and appreciate a partner like that. Particularly, demi-sexual women would absolutely love a supportive and caring partner. Pansexual women could too. Many women may not realize they’re demi or pan and don’t usually advertise themselves as such, but they are there.
I myself don’t act very masculine and don’t relate well with other men. I identify as the gender apathetic flavor of non-binary. Not being masculine or feminine in mannorisms. I appear male, but like you, my mannerisms are gentle and caring. I definitely have had women friends see me “as a little brother” and cared about me in a platonic way… I don’t know if there’s a way out of that 😅… BUT they will help you find a date.
When I met my future wife, I let her know I wanted to date her before being friends but after being aquatinted. She appreciated my politeness and care and reciprocated it back. We’ve been married for 10 years now. Found out later she was demi-sexual. She didn’t find me attractive at first (she didn’t find anyone truly attractive), but she did as she loved me more.
I find this funny because while reading this post I thought to myself “I don’t see why I wouldn’t date someone like that?” and I identify as demisexual. I’m already taken, unfortunately for OP, but I’m sure if he were to mention wanting someone to cuddle or being lonely to those friends who called him “cute” and “adorable” someone may step up and either find him a match or admit interest.
I definitely have had women friends see me “as a little brother” and cared about me in a platonic way…
Lmao, I got called a little brother by a friend too!
She literally changed my life by helping me work through my past struggles with gender expectations and trust issues, so she was definitely a mentor figure for me at the time. The reason I can proudly share my desire to be a cute guy is directly thanks to her. She showed me that people truly liked me for who I was, even if I was a bit different. It turns out that what made me different was exactly what she liked about me the most. After all, the first thing she ever said to me was, “Oh my god, you’re adorable!”
I’m so happy that it worked out for you! Your story is relatable to me and gives me hope.
You do you, it’s the only true ay to be happy. You’ll attract women that were raised in a family where the wife took on a more dominant role and the father was a chill laid back guy. In my experience it’s inevitable, we’re made up of our parents DNA.
Theres a fish for every net, my friend
Well you appeal to most women? No. Will you appeal to some women? Absolutely.
What is your “most women” based on, personal experience?
It’s not that deep. The vague “ideal man” that most women would find attractive. Think your Henry Cavils of the world. “Manly” men.
When you intentionally stray from the traits that women are biologically wired to seek in a partner you’re gonna lower the number that find it attractive. Like I’m sure some deer are still attracted to the buck that loses every fight. Just not as many as the one that wins all its fights.
How do you know this is biological and not a social construct? I am afraid your opinion is based on a lot of stereotypes.
… Based on science and reality. There are endless studies that in general women are more attracted to “masculine” men. Strong looking deep voiced men. Even more so when ovulating. Same way men are hard wired for big boobs and wide hips. Monkey brain wants to make sure our offspring survive birth and are well fed.
Obviously I understand that many people stray from those biological/evolutionary preferences but they are still the average/norm for most hence my first comment.
based on science and reality
If you’re going to be that hand wavy and sure about it, then it’s only fair that I respond with “source?”
https://www.colorado.edu/asmagazine/2010/12/01/fertile-women-want-macho-looking-men
Or just Google it for yourself and read any one of the many many articles talking about the subject in various different and specific ways.
Or just look at the men that most women are attracted to in general and see what characteristics they share.
I understand women are not a monolith. I was careful when I said “most” not all.
I’m sorry, your source is a short 15 year old quarterly fluff university magazine piece written by an undergrad citing a study that isn’t even linked in the article?
There are lots of studies saying that intelligence, a great sense of humor, and wealth are very attractive to women too. What if OP was a PhD, stand up comedian by night with a great job at a university and a wealthy family? I mean, we are not monkeys in the end.
I would say most women is not a useful metric tbh. Most women they encounter in their social circles will likely find them attractive, however.
Bi and pan girls have entered the chat.
Behind every golden retriever boyfriend is a black cat girlfriend.
Oh I am well aware. My current FWB is pan and I am not a manly man’s man. She is obsessed with me even though I do not fit the description of traditional masculinity.
I make her laugh and climax (not always in that order) so my physical appearance is pretty much irrelevant. It’s a wonderful thing.
Not only can you do that, in some circles you will need to wear a lifejacket to keep from drowning in pussy.
