cross-posted from: https://lemmy.ml/post/26365993
I’m the quiet, introverted one and I may be on the spectrum. I like to do my job and go home. I hate drama and drama queens and ignore people when they start gossiping. Many extroverts find that offensive and talk behind my back like teenagers do. This stupid drama is the only reason why I quit my job after finding a new one.
I agreed to stay 4 weeks with the company because some coworkers are actually grown ups, it is a breeze to work with them and I can use their experience to be a better professional.
Back to the immature ones: Past me would ignore their sarcastic and passive aggressive comments, which took a toll on me but now I have nothing to lose and I couldn’t care less what they think of me, meaning I started to answer back using their same tone and so sarcastically and passive aggressively as them: they yell at me accusing of doing something on purpose, I politely tell them to calm down and to seek help.
Most of my coworkers are women. Since I started answering back and being a jerk, they toned their b%tchiness way down, it is more pleasant to work here now.
I don’t understand why my coworkers treat me with some respect now that I’m being a jerk and I hate I have to be a jerk to be treated with a modicum of respect. I don’t know if I’m wrong but I think they have an idea of what a man is supposed to be and now that I fit their definition of a man, they leave me alone because they see in me something familiar to them.
I find it sad I have to be an ass to be treated with respect and I hope to find a workplace where I can be myself and work with no drama.
Is this something that’s going to happen no matter where I work?
Okay, first off, fellow introvert here:
The problem you’re describing isn’t really an introvert-extrovert thing, it’s a sociable-antisocial thing. I think your gender dynamics theory has some merit, too, but what you need to understand is that, before, you were acting antisocial.
Ignoring people is antisocial, and moreso when it’s people talking about their feelings. To you that was worthless drama but to them it was their emotional experience. Now you’re engaging; and yes, with hostility, but at least there’s communication and connection.
And in my experience, a lot of more blunt people have trouble telling passive-aggression apart from a more indirect communication style. “Did you email Bob from shipping yet?” is very blunt, to the point of rudeness. “It’s important that Shipping is up-to-date on these developments, Bob is their point person” is much less confrontational.
So I’d say it’s not being a jerk that’s improved your situation, it’s matching communication styles with your teammates.
Really insightful comment. I did not understand OPs perspective at all but it feels like you’ve hit the nail on the head.
When I first joined the work force I had this idea that ‘I was there to do a job not make friends.’ but that attitude made me miserable
could yo describe why it made you miserable? To me a job is something I do for money, not because I need friends. There are bars and clubs to meet people.
This was years ago. But I’ve never been much into the bars and clubs scene. I remember at the time just feeling isolated and alone. I didn’t like spending 8-12 hours every day without any connection to anyone. Along with an extremely high pressure work environment, I was breaking down into tears on my way home most days.
I did it to myself so I was able to open up and find ways to connect to the people around me once I changed my attitude.
I also found some solidarity. It started as just a few complaints about how things were run but eventually I joined the union who helped me recoup a bunch of stolen wages.
Unless OP is in a management position, where politics and such BS may as well be in the PD, what on earth is the need to judge your co-workers’ personalities?
I’ve dealt with a lot of different people at work, vastly different people. But as long as we can get the work done, let it be introverted or antisocial, it just doesn’t matter? Hell, even if it gets in the way of my job, there are professional ways to move forward. I’m here to get shit done and collect my paychecks, not to have ‘emotional experiences’ every day with everyone. There are some 4000 people in my company, I can’t socialise with everyone, I don’t want to socialise with everyone, and I certainly don’t care if someone refuses to socialise. 99% of them are not too different from random online strangers to me. Communications usually just go ‘Can we do this?’ ‘Sure.’ Then fast forward 3 months they may not even still work here. I socialise with a handful of people I like, and I’ve made some good friends. Others I absolutely don’t care. I expect communications to be productive, not ‘emotional’. I’m just an IC, not the company’s counsellor.
this. so.much.this
as much as I’d like to use this line, if I do where I work now, a meltdown will ensue with the drama queens at my workplace yelling at me.
And then I’ll be labelled not a team player.
Insightful, thanks. I’ve recemtly gone from a tech position to a more sales oriented one and I’m constantly agitated by the passive language sales and marketing people use. I’ve actually started using AI to understand calls I’m on because I have trouble following all the sales BS.
Not OP but this is a hell of an insight, thank you.
You’re right that I would have no frickin clue what that second sentence would mean. Someone asking me if I emailed Bob yet directly would not offend me, and I’d prefer it.
My only solution so far has been to say directly to my coworkers that they won’t offend me by asking directly but that doesn’t work 100% of the time. I get paid to do my job, not decode 400 lines of possible subtext from a passing sentence because they’re afraid of asking a question.
I still say hello and act friendly though. ¯_(ツ)_/¯
In case this is helpful (to whoever)
Response Options:
Sure is. Bob is great. Is there a problem?
That makes sense. Who is Bob?
Sir, this is a Wendy’s. Can I cake your order. (Only applicable if you are on shift at the Wendy’s you work at.)
Wendy’s puts your order in a cake now?
These gimmicks are getting to be a bit much.
do you know those couples where they only communicate yelling? Why would a sane person want that? It still doesn’t make any sense. To you engaging with hostility is better than not engaging but I still find it appalling and prefer silence and quietness over yelling and drama. Yelling is extremely draining.
OTOH your post makes me understand how some people think, hopefully a very reduced number of people, but if this is how some of my coworkers communicate and expect me to communicate, quitting is still the right choice. This cannot be healthy on the long term.
Going on, I’ll match my new coworkers’ communication style and volume, but it can get really ludicrous if 2 “adults” at the office start yelling at each other (reason why I prefer to simply disappear)
Still baffled, because yours is a whole novel idea to me: angry communication, even toxic, aggressive and unpleasant is better than no communication. Not saying that I agree with it, but I’ll think about it when dealing with some of my coworkers.
Yep. I’m on the blunt side and I’ve been told by some people that they thought people did something wrong based on my direct communication. I had to respond that I work in an industry where you have to be blunt to communicate what you want, so bluntness is the standard.
On the flip side, I’ve gotten frustrated by people who are far more passive in giving direction because it ends up leading to poor decisions and rework that should have been addressed because they didn’t provide clarity when asked to.
wait, so i’m forced to interact with crappy people if i want to be left alone? why would they take offense in you just wanting nothing with them?
They take offense because “wanting nothing from them” implies that they have nothing to offer. Even if this is true, it’s still rude to imply.
And yeah, pretty much the only way to get needy conversationalists off your back is to throw them a bone once in a while, even if it’s only a “ooh that’s rough, but whatcha gonna do?” or a “not bad, yourself?”
sounds like some horrible childish people to be around holy shit.
but some of them do have something to offer: job experience and know how, but they fixate on gossiping and badmouthing other coworkers when they’re not around.
I still don’t get it, but they’re this needy, apparently
Matching communication styles is the key here. If there’s a general chatty vibe to the team and you’re the only one not engaging then you’re the odd one out and that will invite comment.
If your team are chatty, you don’t need to go all out at the same level they are, but showing some willing and chatting at least sometimes will usually be enough to ensure harmony. Knowing how to disengage without causing offence or annoyance is also an important skill.
my team is not made of people who simply want a hello. I don’t want to even say hello because if I do they’ll dump on me a monologue about their weekend, what they cooked or the reasons why they’re angry at another coworker.
can you write an answer with tips to disengage without causing offence?
I don’t think I can do this: while your post seems genuine I still find it ludicrous to have to placate needy people with attention this way. If I give them a bit of attention, they’ll want more and talk to me even more about their feelings at the workplace and distract me, something I don’t want.
If you want a productive outcome the first thing you’ll probably need to do is realign your thinking about this. You’re not having “to placate needy people with attention this way”, these are your teammates, and above all, other human beings, and they’re inviting you to be part of their group. Engaging with them isn’t doing them a favour, it’s doing you a favour. Yes, some people will take the slightest opportunity to talk your ear off, but not engaging at all is just setting up walls that leave you on the outside. Equally, you need to respect your need for focus and lack of distraction, which can certainly be tricky if everyone else is reliving the drama of their weekend.
I’m certainly more on the introverted side of things, but I’ve found it very beneficial to get myself out of my shell regularly to talk to other people at work. The best way I’ve found is to effectively ‘time box’ chatting time. Find times when people are generally more relaxed and chatty and you’re not focusing on work. I’ve found lunch time is often good as people will chat, but also have natural reasons to break off themselves. Maybe they go to the gym, or are meeting a friend for lunch, or maybe they just want a bit of peace and quiet! Whatever it is, it’s a good opportunity to chat for a few minutes, then if they don’t break it off, you can plead a prior engagement and break away without upsetting anyone. Even claiming you have to get back to your desk to finish a report will do. Once people find they can interact with you, but only a bit, they’ll often self-regulate.
TLDR: loose the attitude that you’re having to “placate” the “needy” and start seeing socialising as an opportunity to develop better conbections with your team. You never know when that can come in handy.
Challenge yourself to relax and spend at least 2 minutes socialising in a friendly way tomorrow, then work on extending that up to a point tgat people seem comfortable with, without them swamping you. You’ve already handed in your notice, so you have the perfect, low consequence situation to practice in.
thanks for answering.
I guess I could play a small social experiment and see how people react before I change workplaces and decide if I can and want to keep placating people this way?
Notice that I get along with some coworkers. With these ones I don’t need to play theatrics. It’s the loud, yelling ones with no boundaries the ones that grind my gears and make me want to run for life.
I definitely feel your pain with the loud, no boundaries ones, they can be exhausting if you either don’t or can’t manage them efficiently. That’s where I found that engaging on my terms at times that gave natural reasons to break off helped. I found most people were a lot less likely to dump if I was ‘in’ the group, but just seemed busy/preoccupied, rather than when I was ‘out’ of the group.
Think of it this way, being able to socially interact with your team in a normal work environment is a useful skill, and like any skill you only get better at it by practising. It might be hard work initially, but you’ve got a great opportunity right now, so go for it. It’s no great loss if it doesn’t go smoothly, you’re heading for the door anyway.
Good luck, and remember, if it all gets too much, you need to go, you’ve got to have that report on your boss’s desk by the end of business today.
That is something a hr manager would say. No need to realign my thinking at all. Thank you. I’ve tried too many times to get out of my shell because I’ve been told to. And guess what, I don’t tick that way because me, I’m an actual real introvert and have learned my lesson.
Ha, no I’m definitely not, and have never been, an HR manager. It’s just one of those lessons I’ve learnt over multiple decades of working in an office and similar environments. The thought realigning is just to realise that you’re not trying to “placate” others, or do them a favour by granting them your time, but you’re actually helping yourself as being part of the ‘in’ group, even if you’re then quiet can make life a lot smoother. I’ve found people a lot more accommodating once they know me well enough to know I’m not being hostile reserved, so much as just quiet and focused reserved. It usually doesn’t take more than a few minutes per day of saying hi and maybe listening to their excitement about the latest sportsball results before people sort of mentally tick you off as being part of the group.
I’m not trying to say it’s easy, it’s not. It’s not particularly enjoyable to begin with either, but as you get into the habit of it and expect to spend x minutes per day conversing with people, it gets less difficult. Also, just listening with an occasional “uh huh” goes a surprisingly long way, people always appreciate a listener, and that way you don’t have to do much talking.
I’m not so sure myself. I want to be me and choose who I open up to but sadly this society is run by extroverts. Not many of them understand that some people work better in silence and are not interested in their lives. They act like I hate them but what I feel is indifference. Some of them are reeeeally thin skinned.
I guess I could play a small social experiment and see how people react before I change workplaces and decide if I can keep placating people this way?
Notice that I get along with some coworkers. With them I don’t need to play theatrics. It’s the loud, yelling ones the ones that grind my gears and make me want to run for life.