It is exhausting running around circles and accomplishing nothing when shit gets real.

Recently moved from my little apartment to a house. I started out organizing and writing the contents of each box on the top. Very quickly I found myself just throwing random shit into boxes because I was taking too long. My landlord suggested the move because I have 4 kids and I needed more space. He was nice enough to put me in a much bigger place for only 20% more than I was paying.

I was already exhausted when I decided I needed to take my old toilet seat, which has two seats, a little one for little butts, and then lift that for the regular one for regular sized butts. I removed it from the toilet, put the small bits in a ziplock bag, and drove directly to the house. I walked a straight line from the car to the bathroom, took off the other seat, and then I couldn’t find the little square parts that mounted the screws. I didn’t have much backtracking to do. Walked back to the car, couldn’t find them. Searched from the entryway to the bathroom, nowhere to be found. Carefully checked the ground around the sidewalk. Nothing. Drove back to the apartment, nothing. I managed to keep my temper, but I was ready to blow my brains out on the emotional end of things.

After losing 2 hours searching frantically for the parts, I went back in to put the other seat back on and give up. There they were, just laying there beside the toilet in a spot I had checked a thousand fucking times.

And then guess what? Fucking lost the screws to the other seat and repeated the whole goddamn ordeal. Wanna guess where they were? In the SAME FUCKING SPOT as the other pieces I had lost.

I’m so fed up. My doctor won’t treat me because he’s old school and because I have a history of drug abuse (which is how he came to be my doctor in the first place). I can’t move to a new one because I don’t have the time to establish myself in the program. When you start a drug treatment program you begin by going daily, then weekly, then biweekly, and then finally, monthly. They all require you to do AA/NA/CR. It took me years to get out of all of that crap and I do not have the time to do it with all of these kids. I hate going to group, and after enough time passes with no failed drug tests you can get out of it. I haven’t been in 5 years. I don’t want to go now.

I’m going to beg my doctor at my next visit. I am exhausted living like this. I’m tired of being a burden to everyone around me because I can’t hold focus on anything for a minute. Entire days go by and I’m just in some void without even realizing it.

I just had to get it off my chest. I’d give anything to be like the people around me.